CONROE, TX — Anyplace that has a sign that says, “Beware of Pickpockets and Loose Women,” that’s the place for me. Its been such a long time since I’ve been to a dive bar, a place which can be described as unglamorous, eclectic, with lighting that makes you think the owner might be behind on their electric bill. Yes, ‘Lefty’s Pub,’ on Madeley Street, in Conroe, has all the signs of an establishment of that nature. The dated decor. Shabby. The neon light guitar and beer signs, pool tables, and packaged beer sales. But putting all that aside. You don’t go there for any of that. You don’t go for the four walls. You go for the bartenders and their personalities, that lift you from the abyss of the ragged work week. You go there for the camaraderie of fellow patrons at the bar, and dare I say, fellowship, with the regulars and newbies. It has a full cast of characters that makes you think it’s a place where everybody knows your name.
I had heard of Lefty’s Pub, but I never really investigated it, and I never imagined I’d be going there, much less writing about it. But after being invited, I’m here to say, I might be more inclined to attend more establishments of this type. Where I’ll have to watch out for my phone, wallet, and loosened morals. Is it possible for me to digress back into my youthful indiscretions? I’ve been in shady places on all night hauls in my late teens and early 20’s in the FRG, caring not for the XX chromes I exchanged spittle and who knows what else with, before making it back to my military base in time for PT the next dawn, or Wednesday morning. The shame I’ve lived.
Lefty’s is a working man’s (and ladies) pub. The patrons work hard during the week, and play harder, when the 9 to 5 has been put away for the week. It has its multi-millionaires too (they just don’t look it), who’ve earned their fortunes, but just want a laid back place to sip, and congregate with the folks they feel most comfortable with. It’s another place that pays homage to Bob Ross, but caters to a tougher fanboy mindset. It’s where prized possessions are not big houses, vacation homes, or fast cars, but rather with Lefty’s … it’s ‘bar reputation;’ and for some it’s the canvas of any available skin to show off your ink (or tattoos). The biggest honor you can have in the place is to have a drink named after you. But the road to get there is perditionist, requiring a lot of pain in the wallet/face, and being humiliated many dozen of times, before even being considered for the honor.
The day starts at 2pm with the ‘Day Tender,’ who runs Happy Hour until 7:30pm. My DT was ‘Dri,’ a 22 year-old woman with a dog. She’s cute too. The day shift gets a mix of older millennials to older folks in their 50’s, it just depends on the day. Cowboy Chris will roll in later with his dog ‘Nala,’ who instantly becomes the Star of the Bar. She’ll walk up and down the bartop looking for attention unless Gary is there. G is a major player in the area auto scene, and he strictly forbids Nala from traipsing near his drink. Nala is a dog with a kind demeanor, friendly, and well loved amongst the patrons. She’ll even sit at a chair, like expecting a beer to be ponied up.
Lefty’s is neat. It’s different. It’s a working class bar, and they are not ashamed of it. It’s a place like ‘Cheers,’ where a 65 year old used car dealer (not G), a 31 year old mother of two, and guys in their 20’s – 50’s can all hangout, and just chill. If something hasn’t happened that you find appalling? Just wait ten minutes. Nothing has really phased me at Lefty’s, and having been in German and Amsterdam clubs, where a preacher’s wife would faint, this Conroe bar doesn’t feel that far away. No one is on edge here. And Lefty’s is safe from Secret Service raids, since it has a sloped ramp (like roof) to its entrance.
The before dark crowd will roll in, at, I don’t know, just before dark. They’re tame. Just looking for a little pick-me-up, before heading off home. The conversation is polite, with talk about trucks that burns a little oil, or whatever. Someone may order 4 or 5 pizzas, and share around. A female patron asks about another bartender’s (Feather, rhymes with) right thigh scorpion tattoo, easily visible the super-super short-shorts for the bartenders are required to wear, if they want the tips. The bartenders are patron friendly. When nothing is being ordered, the gals behind the bar will be chatting up the customers. They are really psychiatrists of a sort, listening to their fans’ concerns.
The after night crowd, especially on Friday and Saturday nights is really interesting, You’re more likely to see Lefty’s most famous (and expensive) drink, ‘The Hurricane,’ which I thought to be fitting to cover this week, since we had one (a real hurricane – Beryl) a few weeks ago. For regulars like Ronnie, the used car dealer, he has a drink named after him, ‘The H*r*y Old Guy.’ Brandon, a chiller guy, has ‘Baby Daddy’ named after him. While comparative newbie Pancho Smitolez, an ac guy, is aiming for a drink to be named after him, but has only had 27 hurricanes to his credit.
So what is a ‘Hurricane?’
A ‘Hurricane,’ is a simple enough drink. It’s basically whatever drink you want, a Whiskey & Coke, anything. But the method of delivery is different, and the recipient gets to choose. It can be poured into your mouth, but most patrons choose the bartenders ‘boca method,’ into the recipient’s mouth. Done. Simple enough. The calm before the storm.
Then the Hurricane’s storm surge hits you in the form of a glass of water being splashed in your face. After that, the Hurricane force winds hit with a slap to the cheek. Most times you get one slap, but sometimes you can get two for the price of one, including another storm surge and winds, it all depends if the bartender has received their child-support check on time. Having been slapped on three continents, I paid $20.00 to hire a substitute, Pancho, just as rich New Yorkers paid the government $300.00 to hire a substitute which set off the draft riots in New York in July 1863. It was an awesome slap, and to emphasize, I actually felt it.
The bartenders: Alexis, Danielle, Hailey, Dri, Feather (rhymes with), Rachel, Maria, and Paige, are all there to serve you. I hope I didn’t miss anybody. They’re really fun. And a few trips to the pub won’t hurt you. So come and get your storm surge and high winds at Lefty’s Pub. It’ll knock you sideways.
Alcohol Disclaimer: This column is intended for entertainment purposes only. Please drink responsibly, not just for yourself, but for others around you.
Lefty’s Pub is located at 711 Madeley St., in Conroe. They are on Facebook @Lefty’s Pub Conroe.
Ruben can be reached at: ruben@montgomerycountynews.net
